Severus Snape Unleashed!
by hobo-hobisho
Summary: Hermione becomes Snape's confidante as he suffers a mental breakdown; much hilarity ensues. FINISHED!
1. Default Chapter

disclaimer: all of the characters that came from J.K. Rowlings books also came from her brain. I don't own them. Damn it all. The rest of this stuff is my invention, weird though it may be.  
  
A/N: This is fluff, pure unadulterated fluff. But I implore you, read it. I can be quite funny when I apply myself. I LOVE ALAN RICKMAN!  
  
Severus Snape: The Very Dark Yet Mostly Good, Scary Yet Sexy Potions Master Who Used to Be A Death Eater But Now Gets His Evil Thrills By Assigning Detention, Who Would Be Fully Good If Someone Just Gave Him A Hug, Gosh Darn It All.  
  
Severus Snape lay down upon his fluffy pink down comforter.. 'If they could see me now, the dark and mysterious Professor Snape, curled into the fetal position and sucking my thumb. I'd have to Avada Kedavra them all.' That thought perked Snape up a bit. The mental image of Hermione Granger twitching beneath his Crucio curse was usually terribly delightful, but for some reason Snape couldn't get into the fantasy today. He pulled himself into a sitting position, rearranging his stuffed animals at the foot of his bed. He pulled Mr. Snufflytons, his teddy bear, close to his chest and began to sing to it.   
  
'Am I actually seeing this?' Hermione Granger thought, biting the inside of her cheek so hard, she drew blood. Hiding inside Snape's closet started out as a way to steal some important potion ingredients. It had become Severus Snape: What You Thought (and hoped) You'd Never See. Snape unleashed! Hermione barely suppressed a giggle, a half snort escaping her. She clamped her hand over her nose and mouth, but not before Snape had heard it. He relinquished his grip on the teddy bear and stood from his bed, his cloak settling around him like a dark misty dress.  
  
"If there's anybody in here, just look out!" Snape said, drawing his wand. No teacher at Hogwarts was quicker on their wand than Snape. He allowed himself a moment of brood-posing before he walked towards his closet. He had heard a snort, he just knew it. It was probably Malfoy. It wouldn't be the first time he'd been hanging out in Snape's closet, sniffing his robes and trying to absorb some of his broody sexiness. Snape allowed himself a moment of amusement when he recalled Malfoy's pathetic excuse - "I just want to find some way to be smarter! Then Hermione Granger will want me, not Weasley!" Snape had been amused briefly, then released Draco with a promise that he wouldn't tell Draco's secrets, if Draco didn't tell Snape's.   
  
Snape placed his hand upon the doorknob to the closet. Inside, Hermione was cursing her rule-abiding self. 'Why didn't I just learn to Apparate? Why? Because I had to follow the rules, that's why! Damn myself!' Snape pulled open the door and found himself staring down upon his favorite student, though he'd never admit it. First of all, she wasn't a Slytherin. Second of all - okay, there was only one reason.  
  
"Miss Granger," Snape said, his voice low and cold as always.   
  
"Professor Snape," she countered, her voice cool but amused. He reached out and grabbed the collar of her robes and drew her towards him.  
  
"You saw nothing!" he whispered. She raised a hand and wiped her face.   
  
"Gross, Professor. Say it don't spray it," she said, before dissolving into a fit of giggles.  
  
"Shut up, you foolish girl!" Snape said, but for some reason he was on the verge of giggles himself. 'Don't be ridiculous Severus, you do not giggle.' he thought. Even as he thought it, a guffaw threatened to break loose from his throat and shower Miss Granger. An event which must never take place, he decided. You must maintain your reputation. Hermione worked herself out of Snape's grasp and exited the closet. She wandered to the bed and picked up Mr. Snufflytons.   
  
  
  
"Want to introduce me to your friend, Professor?" Snape darted across the room and grabbed the bear from her hands.   
  
"This is - a friend's," Snape finished lamely. Hermione raised an eyebrow but said nothing. She ran her hand over the fluffy pink comforter, a smile playing on her lips.   
  
"You have a really nice bed, Professor," she said coyly. Snape looked at her in disgust.  
  
"If you are implying what I think, Miss Granger, you are even more disgusting than Draco says he thinks you are."   
  
"Why do you say that?"   
  
"Who'd want to have sex with me?" Snape blurted, cursing himself for having revealed so much about his insecurity. A look of realization came upon Hermione's face. She settled herself down on Snape's bed.  
  
"So... I think I'm beginning to understand all the bitterness and grease," Hermione began. She paused. "Well, the bitterness at least."   
  
"Whatever your know-it-all opinion is, Granger, keep it to yourself," Snape spat angrily, turning away from her.   
  
"Aw, come on Snapey-poo..."   
  
"Snapey-poo? Miss Granger, hold your tongue!" He whirled around to find Hermione with an irresistible smile on her face. Snape felt an odd tugging at the corners of his mouth. "What's happening to my mouth? Granger, help!" He exclaimed, grabbing at his cheeks. Hermione jumped up from the bed and laid her hand on his shoulder.  
  
"Professor, you're smiling," she explained.  
  
"How idiotic! There's no excuse for such behavior! 10 points from Gryffindor!"   
  
'He's completely lost it,' Hermione thought as she watched Snape slapping himself in the face.   
  
"This is all Potter's fault! This has something to do with Potter! Don't look at me that way, Headmaster! POTTER!" Snape was screaming and clawing at his face, ranting like a madman. Hermione looked on in amusement, wishing she had a Muggle video camcorder. Severus Snape: The Mental Breakdown of an Already Unstable Man.  
  
"Professor, professor, please calm down," Hermione finally said, disappointing though it was to interrupt his rant. He kept his hands on his cheeks but stopped screaming Potter! "Now, listen to me, Snape. Harry isn't even here. All that's happening is a smile, it's perfectly normal."  
  
"It isn't just the smile, Hermione... it's everything! I... I actually... LIKE that Potter boy! Weasley, too! Merlin help me, I can't even find a cruel feeling for Longbottom!"   
  
"What about... me, Professor?" Hermione asked timidly, plucking at her robes and looking at her feet.  
  
"That's the worst of it all! You, Miss Granger, are my favorite student!"  
  
This last admission rendered Hermione speechless. She stared at the black-glad, sallow, greasy figure before her and felt an emotion she'd never felt for him - sympathy. She settled back down onto the bed, pulling Snape down alongside her. They lay together for a moment, staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling.   
  
"Why don't you tell me about your childhood?" Hermione asked. 


	2. Severus Explains All

NOT MY CHARACTERS! THANK YOU OH SO MUCH MS. ROWLING!  
  
"My childhood? Miss Granger, this is quite enough," Snape snapped, regaining a bit of his old arrogance. Her silence was enough of an answer. Snape sighed and began his tale. "Many people, when they turn to the Dark Side, blame the lack of love in their childhoods. I am no different. I had a wonderful family, no doubt about that. But they were all killed, each in freak accidents that left me alone in the world. I hadn't a single relation living... except for my fifth cousin, twice removed. So I, at the age of 10, went to live with this Muggle-"  
  
Hermione gasped. "You have Muggle blood?"   
  
"Most wizards have Muggle somewhere in their family. We're ashamed, of course, but what can be done? You must never - NEVER - repeat this information to anyone in my house. A Slytherin must be pure, of course," Snape finished, his eyes desperately boring into Hermione's. She nodded and looked away, the intensity of his stare creeping her out. Snape continued his story, "I had only lived with Ernie for a year when I got my Hogwarts letter. I had expected it was coming of course. Ernie was glad to see me go. He always said I was insufferable, always wanting attention, trying to show him some new experiment I had tried. All I wanted was someone to recognize my talent. So when I came to Hogwarts, I just knew I would be appreciated there. I had dreams of being popular and top in every class, captain of the Quidditch team and Head Boy. Only some of those dreams came true. I was top in my classes, especially Potions, where I even out-did the professor. But that old group - Potter, Black, Lupin - they had it in for me. The only one who ever stood up for me was Lily, and Potter took even her away from me. All I wanted was someone to recognize me, to appreciate me! I strived for it, and it never came to fruition. So I grew into myself. I saw my inner resources, I knew that I had the ability to be great, to show them all that even greasy old Severus Snape could be a person of importance!"  
  
Hermione snorted. "Look, Sev, this is all well and good, but how generic! I could read this in *any* dark wizard's biography, for Merlin's sake. Let's spice it up a little, shall we?"  
  
"Sorry to disappoint you, Miss Granger, but there is nothing remotely spicy about anything in my life."  
  
"Oh, I think that's a lie. I know you've got an inner child, Sev, but the fluffy stuff? The teddy bear? You don't expect me to believe that these things were your idea! I've seen your bedroom at Hogwarts, it's just as dark and creepy as you are." Snape didn't bother to ask how Hermione had seen his bedroom. He knew too well about Potter's invisibility cloak.   
  
"Perceptive as always, Miss Granger," Snape said wryly. "All right then. These things all belong to my ex-girlfriend."  
  
"I thought you were gay!" Hermione exclaimed. Snape raised an eyebrow at her.   
  
"I am not gay. I know many people believe that... it's probably the fact that I walk around limp-wristed, and my cloak somewhat resembles a dress. Simple minded fools. Even if I wanted to be gay, I couldn't. Hogwarts allows only one gay staff member, and I'm afraid Argus Filch is the one." Hermione burst into laughter.  
  
"Filch? No way!"  
  
"Yes, Filch. I didn't expect it either, but I found out the most disgusting way possible-" Snape shuddered with the memory.  
  
"Filch hit on you? Gross!"  
  
"Yes, gross is exactly correct, Miss Granger."  
  
"Well, then... is your ex-girlfriend a staff member?"  
  
"Once again, incorrect. Hogwarts allows only one relationship between staff members, and Dumbledore and McGonagall have filled that position." Hermione gasped.  
  
"What? McGonagall has sex?"  
  
"Yes, quite often if Dumbledore is to be believed."  
  
"What I'd give to be a fly on the wall in the staff room! Your lives are saucy!"  
  
"I suppose some of them are," Snape allowed. "Mine, however, is not saucy in the least."   
  
"Oh, come on... I know you've got a dark secret!" Snape's eyebrows raised at her, his eyes flashing. "I didn't mean *dark* that way... I know about your history as a Death Eater." Snape looked unsurprised.   
  
"Of course you do. You're a bright girl, and your best friends are filthy sneaks." Hermione didn't argue this fact. "Yes, I was a Death Eater. Imagine that you want something terribly, but you can't admit it to anyone." Hermione, leaning closer to Snape, nodded.  
  
"I can imagine that perfectly," she whispered. Snape chose to ignore her comment and continued.   
  
"So someone comes along and offers you a chance at that very thing! Wouldn't you do just about anything they said, for that chance?"   
  
"Why, yes, professor, I'd be tempted. But joining a mission of death and destruction, joining the side of evil-"   
  
"What is evil, anyway? It is only what we perceive it to be. Every wizard knows what lies within him. What lay within me was strength, power, talent - and those things are neither good nor bad in themselves. What we use them for, yes, can be determined to be good or evil - but each person's definition of those words is different. To He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, for example, Good is Evil. He is fighting against Good, he hates it - much as Dumbledore fights against and hates Evil. They are exactly alike in every way - except for the way we perceive them."   
  
"That was deep."   
  
"Miss Granger!"   
  
"Sorry, Severus-"  
  
"I would appreciate if you would call me Professor Snape!"  
  
"Sure, anything you say. Just keep going, I'm fascinated."  
  
"When I joined the Dark Lord, I had no moralistic values holding me back. I had nothing inside me saying, This is wrong. So I went for it, I went for the glory and power that had always been denied me." Snape paused for several minutes, silence descending upon the pink fluffiness of the room.  
  
"But something made you see the error of your ways," Hermione urged him.  
  
"Yes. Albus Dumbledore. He came to me one night, near the end of Voldemort's reign. Of course, I didn't know the reign was ending. Albus saw something within me during my years at Hogwarts that no one else had seen. He told me many things - things that I would not repeat to you, Miss Granger, even if you were to beg with your life - and I began to see that I was going after the wrong things in my life. I was looking for recognition, for acceptance, but were those things that important? What if I gained all the power in the world, and still despised myself? What then? Well, I knew that he was right. But I had garnered much favor with the Dark Lord - a faithful servant I always was - and Dumbledore saw the advantage. He said I had one chance to prove to him that I really was the strong and important man I saw within myself. I was to act as a spy for him, and the side of good, while continuing to pretend I was on the Dark Side. I agreed, sure that this was my chance. I was questioning, of course, I had my doubts that the side of good had anything to offer. But when I heard of You-Know-Who's plan to murder Lily Potter - well, I realized that I was working with someone who didn't deserve my loyalty. He was the purest evil I had ever perceived."  
  
"Lily Potter? This was all about Lily Potter?"   
  
"No, no. I had already begun to hate the Dark Lord, but my hatred was rounded and smoothed when he killed the purest good I had ever known. And when he tried to kill an innocent child, well, I saw my purpose. Lily Potter died to protect that child. I would dedicate my life to the purpose which she died for."  
  
"Protecting Harry?"  
  
"Protecting good and innocent, yes. I took on a larger purpose than the boy himself. I dedicated myself to good. Only Albus Dumbledore ever saw me as good - even you filthy students thought I was evil from the day Potter's scar hurt when he looked at me. It was Quirrell, then it was Ginny Weasley, then it was a rat, but the entire time you believed it was me!"  
  
"Professor, I..." Snape held his hand up to stop her.  
  
"Never mind, Miss Granger. So much has happened of late, that I know you realize I am on the side of good. Apologies will change nothing. I have let it go."  
  
"But why do you always act like you hate everyone?"  
  
Snape shrugged. "It's fun!" Hermione shook her head, her mind reeling with all she had just learned about Snape. Although the case was not entirely closed, Snape's face was weary and his eyes showed he had recalled enough for one day. She stood up from the bed and smiled.   
  
"Well, Professor, I've learned a lot today. This is possibly the best lesson you've ever given me. But, we're not finished. We both have to be back at Hogwarts tomorrow. The beginning of my sixth year, you know. I'll see you."   
  
"I'll walk you out," Snape said, anxious she would go exploring the rest of his home and find his private stores of potions ingredients. He didn't think she'd steal, but he wasn't one to trust much, anyway.  
  
At the front door, he gave her a smirk. "This never happened, Miss Granger," he said, a threat lurking behind his words.  
  
"Of course not, Professor. See you at school!" she waved and took off down the street, taking off her robes and shoving them into her bag. She was going to be riding the Muggle Underground, she needn't call attention to herself.   
  
Severus Snape watched the back of Hermione Granger grow smaller and turn a corner, then went back into his home. He felt a sinister laugh well up inside of him, and for once he let it escape. 'Foolish girl has much to learn about the art of deception,' he thought. He glanced into the mirror above the fireplace. He had bought it in Diagon Alley without realizing it both talked and read his mind.  
  
"Severus, you know good and well that you didn't lie to that girl! Face it, you are just not evil!" He tossed his hair and huffed out of the room.   
  
"I'll show you, Mirror!" he shouted before slamming his bedroom door. 


	3. Mirror, Mirror

Hey, guess what? These people aren't mine. Doo-dah, doo-dah!  
  
A/N: Dumbledore's AIDS: it has a tie-in to an inside joke with friends, no offense to anyone with AIDS. I know it's really not funny.  
  
He rose the next morning and stood before his closet. "Which robes to wear?" he wondered aloud. "They're all the same, you nincompoop!" the mirror shouted from the parlor. Scowling, Snape grabbed a set of black robes from their hanger and dressed quickly. He ran his fingers through his hair and set out. "I love what you've done with your hair, Severus. It's so original!"   
  
"SHUT UP MIRROR!"   
  
"Why don't you try and break me again, genius?" Snape scowled at the memory of the mirror laughing hysterically as he threw every heavy object in his home at it. All of them had merely bounced off with a squeaking noise. "Good luck at school, Severus!" the mirror called after him as he walked out of the door.  
  
He fumed all the way down the street. He took a set of stairs, passed a sign that said "Entrance blocked" walked 17.6 miles and picked up an old piece of paper. He shook his head and a second later appeared in front of the Hogwarts castle. "Why can't I just Apparate? Dumbledore and his paranoia." Then again, he thought, the no-Apparating rule might be a good thing. He had a sudden mental image of Voldemort appearing in the middle of the Slytherin common room. Draco Malfoy'd cream his pants.   
  
"Severus, hello," a welcome voice came from behind him.   
  
"Headmaster," he said, his voice cool as always. "Severus, you be nice to that man!" his mirror shouted. Snape flinched. He knew by now that no one could hear the mirror's voice except for him, but he still worried. "How was your vacation?" he added.  
  
Dumbledore's eyes, once so twinkly, had lost their luster with recent events and his little-known AIDS infection. AIDS couldn't hurt wizards, they had a simple anti-AIDS spell, but it still reared its ugly head every once in a while to make Dumbledore tired, cranky, and forgetful.   
  
"It was horrible, Severus, but it's nice of you to ask. How was yours? Any unexpected visitors?"  
  
"No! Of course not! Why would someone have come to see me? WHO TOLD YOU?"   
  
"Severus, don't flip out. I meant any visitors from any Death Eaters, Dark Lords, etc. I don't care what crazy stuff you do with your personal life," Dumbledore assured him. Snape's face tried to redden with embarrassment, but it stayed perfectly white as always.   
  
"Let's go inside then," he said, gesturing for Dumbledore to go ahead. Dumbledore ambled slowly up the stairs into the castle, Snape impatiently walking behind him. He adored the man, but Merlin's beard, he was slow and old. 'Maybe it's the AIDS. I shouldn't say anything.'  
  
Several minutes later, Snape and Dumbledore arrived at the entrance to Hogwarts. Both went their separate ways, Snape to his dungeons and Dumbledore to the Great Hall to prepare for the arrival of the students. Once in his dungeon, Snape did his usual preparation for the new students. He strutted around the room, looking as sinister as possible. He was just testing the velocity with which to turn to achieve the perfect hair/cloak swishiness when a timid knock interrupted him. He let out a small roar, mostly for the benefit of the unfortunate soul who stood on the other side of the door. He opened to find Hermione Granger. He scowled but let her into the dungeon, glancing both ways before closing the door.  
  
"Severus, how are you?"  
  
"Miss Granger! At school, you shall refer to me as Professor Snape!"  
  
"You're absolutely right, sir, I forgot myself... So, how are you?"  
  
"I'm the same as I always am. I'm down here in these dungeons when I should be in room... um.... Well, the Defense Against the Dark Arts room!"  
  
"Professor, Dumbledore knows what he's doing when he keeps you doing Potions."  
  
"That, or he doesn't trust me with anything Dark Arts," Snape said sulkily.  
  
"Oh, please! Sev- Professor, you're being a big baby. Obviously Dumbledore trusts you, or would you even be inside the walls of Hogwarts?"   
  
"Miss Granger, hold your tongue!"  
  
"Oh, you just know I'm right! You really can't stand that, can you?"  
  
"You know nothing, girl," Snape said with what he hoped was a sufficiently evil sneer.   
  
"Okay, okay. Would you like a treacle tart?" Hermione asked, offering him a tin. He turned to her, utter shock on his face. He smacked the underside of the tin, showering himself and Hermione with treacle tarts.   
  
"LEAVE THIS ROOM AT ONCE!" he shouted. Hermione gasped and did exactly that.   
  
"Now, Severus! Is that any way to treat a student?" Mirror asked.   
  
"Nobody asked you! Shut up, you foolish piece of reflective... whatever you are!"   
  
"Severus, what *are* you doing?" Professor McGonagall stood in the door to the dungeon, a look of extreme reproach on her face.  
  
"What I am doing is none of your business, Headmistress. I'll be up to the Great Hall at once." McGonagall nodded and walked away, looking as though she had just eaten a large amount of lemons. Then again, she always looked that way. Except in the middle of her sweaty, passionate, lust-filled nights with Dumbledore. [Peanut Gallery: GROSS!!!!!]  
  
Snape sat at the staff table, looking with disdain over the sea of nauseating students before him. The line of shivering pukes was slowly diminishing as they were sorted into their houses. Fewer than ever made it into Slytherin, to Snape's surprise. He thought with the return of Voldemort, more people would be thinking about joining the Dark Side.   
  
"Odd how few students made it into your house, eh, Snape?" muttered Professor Sprout.  
  
"Maybe people just don't want to be around you, dear Severus," said Mirror.  
  
"Stuff it, you mad thing!" Snape bellowed. Professor Sprout gasped and smacked him across the face, in full view of the Headmaster and the students. Snape goggled at her for a moment before realizing he must have spoken to his Mirror aloud. Before he could apologize, Dumbledore grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into the room that was just to the side of the staff table.   
  
"Severus, I must confess that your behavior has always been odd. All that strutting and looking evil. But insulting a fellow professor in front of the entire school, Severus, that's going a bit far."  
  
"Headmaster, I understand completely. But you must believe me, I wasn't talking to Professor Sprout."  
  
"Oh?" Dumbledore's silver eyebrows raised. "With whom were you speaking, then?"  
  
"My... my mirror, sir." Even as he said it, Snape realized how ridiculous it sounded.   
  
"Lying to me, Severus? That's a first. I must say, I don't know how to handle this situation..." A knock on the door interrupted Dumbledore's speech. He ambled over and opened the door to see Hermione Granger.  
  
"Ah, Miss Granger. How may I help you?" Dumbledore asked kindly.  
  
"Actually, I'm here to help him," Hermione said boldly, pointing at Snape, who snorted and looked away.   
  
"Be my guest, Hermione," Dumbledore said, in an unusually sharp tone. "I don't know what to do with him." With that, Albus Dumbledore, Severus Snape's only friend, walked out the door.  
  
"This is all your fault, you ruddy object of my hatred!" Snape shouted. 


	4. The Obvious Solution Presents Itself

disclaimer: all Harry Potter characters, movies, and merchandise belong to other people  
  
A/N: Since this is a humorous fic, some of my facts are a little off. But it's my story and I'll do what I want with it... I mean, I hope you don't mind...  
  
"Calm down, Professor. I believe you about the mirror," Hermione assured him.  
  
"Of course you were eavesdropping. Why not? Merlin, can't I trust anyone?"  
  
"Yes, Professor, you can trust me. That's what I came to tell you. I was reading Dark Lords and How to Banish Them, and I came across a very useful tool that has been used to defeat many would-be evil-doers. Like yourself."  
  
"Oh?" Professor Snape could not help but be intrigued.  
  
"Yes. It's a very simple tool, actually. It's the want-to-be-dark-wizard's own subconscious! In 1756, Riley Shangarden bought a talking mirror. It was a special mirror. You could ask it questions about your appearance and it would answer you. Well, Riley got into a nasty insult war with a hippogriff - and you can imagine the hippogriff was not happy. After that, Riley couldn't talk. So he bewitched the mirror to be able to read his mind. After Riley died, all his belongings were put up for auction, and the mirror began to get passed all around Europe. It even spent some time right here in Hogwarts."  
  
"What has this got to do with me, Miss Granger?"   
  
"Oh, obviously, Professor! Your mirror is that very same mirror! It can read your mind, and it's been around for so long, it's probably learned a thing or two about how to destroy people. You turn their own fears and inner-most thoughts against them."  
  
"Why would a mirror be so vindictive?"   
  
"I'm not sure. But I know how to get it to stop."  
  
"How?"  
  
"If everything the mirror says, is really just what you are thinking about yourself, all we have to do is change what you think about yourself!"  
  
"Oh, right, that should be as easy as... well, it won't be easy."   
  
"Couldn't even think of a proper metaphor, Severus! Disgraceful!" Mirror said.  
  
"WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!" Snape shouted. Hermione jumped back.  
  
"Are you talking to me or the mirror?"  
  
"The mirror, Miss Granger, keep up!"  
  
In a completely unrelated set of events, Fred and George Weasley were setting off Dung-bombs in the Gryffindor common room, because they are immature gits and for no other reason. They were distracted from their fun when Hermione Granger, prefect, came ambling down the stairs carrying several large books. It wasn't the fact that she had books that was interesting, it was the fact that she was being followed by a floating hand holding a lantern.  
  
"Uh, Hermione? There's a ... uh, a floating hand in the air behind you," Fred pointed out helpfully.   
  
"Bullocks!" said a voice near the hand, which then set the lantern down and suddenly disappeared. Across the common room, Harry was having a conversation with a head in the fire, hoping no one would notice.   
  
"Hey, Hermione! Can I copy your Potions homework?" Hermione shook her head furiously.   
  
"You'll never learn if you copy, Harry. Why do I have to tell you everything fifteen times?" Harry shrugged and turned back to the fire.   
  
"So, head-in-the-fire-no-one's-supposed-to-see, how's it going, being in hiding and all?" Harry asked. Hermione left the common room, glad that Harry's stupidity had at least saved Snape from discovery, although it was probably going to lead to the end of the world one of these days.  
  
Once in Snape's dungeons, he threw off the invisibility cloak and sighed. "That was the single-most horrific experience of my life."   
  
"I know, I live with it every day. But it's over. And now we begin the training. I've got these," Hermione gestured to the books she'd dropped on a desk. Snape began looking through them.   
  
"These are Muggle books!"  
  
"Yes, they are, but they'll be useful, I promise."  
  
"Who Moved My Cheese? Miss Granger, I will not read this!"  
  
"You have to, Professor Snape. You have nothing to lose."  
  
'Except my dignity,' he thought.  
  
"What dignity you git?" said Mirror.  
  
"I WILL FONG YOU!" Snape shrieked. Hermione sighed.  
  
"Maybe we should start with suppressing the desire to shout back at the mirror," she suggested. Snape sneered at her but inwardly admitted she was right. The dungeon door opened and Harry Potter bumbled in. Snape immediately began to scowl, Hermione looked worried.  
  
"Harry, what is it?"   
  
"Well, Hermione, I can't find my cloak," Harry said.  
  
"And exactly why are you needing your 'cloak', Potter? Off to cause more trouble? Walk all over more people? Endanger some lives, perhaps?" Snape said, wafting closer to Harry.   
  
"Nope, I was just going to go into the Forbidden Forest. Dobby keeps sending me urgent messages to meet him there. Although, come to think of it, I don't know if Dobby can write. I also don't know why he's been signing his letters 'The Dark Lord Voldemort.' I'll ask him when I meet him. In the Forbidden Forest. At night. Alone," Harry finished.   
  
Hermione sighed and rolled her eyes. Snape slapped himself in the face. Harry grabbed the cloak from the table and took off. "Tra-la-la," he said by way of farewell. As Snape watched Harry walking away, an idea hit him.   
  
"Miss Granger, what if I just give the mirror away? It will start to torment it's new owner and I will be FREE!" Snape finished his sentence on such a high note of glee that Hermione jumped back in horror.  
  
"But, Professor, don't you think you should get at the underlying problem here? Getting rid of the mirror won't make you feel better about yourself, after all."  
  
"Are you a witch or a psychiatrist? The solution is simple. Get rid of the blasted mirror. I no longer need your help, Miss Granger. Go try to stop idiot boy from destroying the world, would you?" Hermione gathered her books, looking disappointed, and left Snape standing alone in the dungeons. For dramatic purposes, he spoke aloud: "Finally, my chance to be evil! All I have to do is give the mirror to Potter... or Dumbledore... or Minerva... oh, the fun I can have!"  
  
A/N: I am not good at subtle foreshadowing. I like to smack my audience upon the head with a mallet. Sorry for this. 


	5. The Wheel's ATurnin'

disclaimer: Characters not mine. Rowling owns all. Well, except for what Warner Bros owns.   
  
Severus Snape walked outside the walls of Hogwarts and Apparated to his home in the middle of Muggle London. In his distraction, he Apparated a few blocks away from his door, and had to walk the rest of the way. He had forgotten to change his robes, and his billowing cloak had caused a pack of women to follow him, giggling over his dark broodiness. Snape paid them no attention. He was a man on a mission. He entered his home and slammed the door in the face of the Muggle women, who all shook their heads as if awaking from a trance. They dispersed quickly, embarassed that they had trailed some random man home. Many contemplated writing about this man. No one could figure out why everyone just HAD to write about this man.  
  
Snape, oblivious to the way in which he drove women mad, stalked towards the mirror. "Hello, my friend," Snape said slickly. The mirror, showing no signs of... well, anything, because it's a mirror, was silent. "Aha, reading my mind, are you? Knowing I'm preparing to get rid of you?"  
  
"Severus, please... don't do it!" Mirror pleaded.   
  
"Wait a second. Are you, The Mirror, pleading in your own voice? Or is my subconcious actually telling me not to do this?" The mirror was silent. "Answer me, you wretched thing!"  
  
"Um."  
  
"That is wise, Mirror. You meet your end tonight." Snape let out an evil cackle and took the mirror off the wall. He wrapped it in brown paper and Apparated back to the spot really close to Hogwarts. Once back at school, he had several things to do to put his plan into action, but he must be deft, and quick.  
  
First things first, he stashed the mirror in his office, where it sat, wrapped and silent. Snape let out a gleeful squeal, he had gone more than five minutes without a peep from the wretched thing. "This is excellent," Snape said, rubbing his hands together in gleeful cynicism. "On to the next stage of my plan."   
  
"Why are you talking aloud, you moron?"  
  
"It's more dramatic, now shove it you!"  
  
The next stage was more difficult. Snape had to entreat the help of Hermione Granger.   
  
"You want me to delay Professor McGonagall? Professor, why?"  
  
"I'm planning a surprise - er, birthday party for her in her office. Just go."  
  
"Professor, if this has anything to do with that mirror-" Hermione started.  
  
"Mirror? What mirror? Miss Granger, you are being silly," Snape stated.  
  
"You sound like Harry."  
  
"MERLIN, NO!" Snape screamed, dropping to the floor and slapping himself on the face repeatedly. Hermione shook her head and walked away from him. It took him awhile to pull himself together, but once he had, he was sure Hermione was in place. He stole away to McGonagall's office, opening the door with a simple spell (McGonagall was far too trusting, he thought evilly), and broke the mirror that hung above her fireplace. He hexed the broken pieces so they would not respond to a repairing charm, and left the room unnoticed.   
  
  
  
That night in the Great Hall, Snape could barely keep his face in his usual scowl. He kept glancing down at McGonagall, who was talking very animatedly with Professor Dumbledore. She looked very upset. As the students were leaving the Great Hall, Snape approached McGonagall.  
  
"Pardon me, Minerva, but you seem a bit upset. May I ask what happened?" Brilliant, Severus! You are acting perfectly!  
  
"Yes, Severus. How kind of you." Snape twitched at the word kind, but said nothing. "Someone broke into my office and broke my mirror," she finished.  
  
"How awful! Was there anything special about the mirror?"  
  
"No, no, it's just... I have no time to get to Diagon Alley and get a new one. I'll have to Transfigure something into a mirror, I suppose."  
  
"Minerva! You will never believe what luck! I just got a new mirror from an old friend. I seldom use mirrors... how about if I give you mine?" Oh, you are good! Snape thought to himself.  
  
"Why, Severus! How generous of you! That would be lovely."   
  
"Terrific. I'll bring it by your office in a few minutes, just let me go and fetch it."   
  
As Snape strode towards his office, he could not contain his excitement. So much was about to happen in his life, that he was smiling. He kept his head down and his hand over his mouth, in case he should see a student, but he was indeed smiling. He grabbed the mirror and practically sprinted to McGonagall's office.  
  
"Here's the mirror, Minerva. Enjoy it, won't you?" Snape said, leaving as quickly as he had come. He settled into his bed that night, his head filled with wonderful thoughts of destruction.  
  
Hermione, Ron, and Harry took their seats in Transfiguration, but Professor McGonagall was nowhere to be found. Hermione looked worried. "I hope she's all right," she said, thinking 'I hope Snape didn't do something awful.' Just then, McGonagall walked into the room.   
  
"Today, we're going to learn how to Transfigure mirrors into broken mirrors." A mirror appeared before every student, and Hermione groaned inwardly. "Now, just try to break the mirror," McGonagall said. Each student looked at her in disbelief. Seamus Finnigan smashed his hand upon the glass, cracking it but also making his hand gush blood. Harry and Ron dropped theirs on the floor, effectively shattering each one. Hermione pointed her wand at hers and whispered something, and it, too shattered. Across the room, Draco Malfoy looked into his and it instantly cracked. McGonagall stood in the front of the room, muttering to herself. Hermione stood up and walked closer so she could hear.  
  
"Why can they all do it? My mirror won't break. What are they doing differently?" Hermione sank against the wall, her heart pounding with anger. "Damn you, Snape," she whispered. "OF COURSE I HAVE TALENT YOU WRETCHED OBJECT!" McGonagall screamed suddenly. Everyone stared at her, open-mouthed. Harry and Ron continued playing with the broken glass, because they don't notice anything. McGonagall ran to the door, pointed her wand, and turned it into a hairy elephant. "Look at that! I am the Queen of Transfiguration!" The elephant walked over and sat down between Harry and Ron, who still did not notice. Then McGonagall turned the hairy elephant into a spider. Ron pulled on Harry's sleeve. "Harry..." he said, his voice so high it was almost beyond the detection limits of the human ear. Harry is incredibly dense, so he didn't respond. "Harry..." Ron repeated, still squeaky and unbearable.   
  
"What, Ron?" Harry said, looking up at the giant spider. "I say! That's a big spider!" Hermione slapped her hand to her forehead and ran towards Professor McGonagall, who was switching the spider into a teacup.   
  
"Lovely teacup, Professor. Come with me, won't you?" Hermione said, putting her arm around the older woman's shoulders and leading her to the - door, which was now a teacup sitting at Ron's feet. Hermione blasted a hole in the wall and walked McGonagall out. She knew for sure something was wrong then, because McGonagall didn't even respond to this vandalism and rule-breaking. "Professor, are you feeling all right today?"  
  
"Yes, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm cheery and chipper and happy, Miss Granger. In fact, I'm giving you 10 points because you are so kind to be concerned, but really, I am fine."  
  
"You seem a bit- preoccupied."  
  
"Are you saying I have no talent?"  
  
"What? No, Professor, I didn't say that!"   
  
"Well, I'll show you!"  
  
The class heard a large bang and came out into the hall to see Professor McGonagall standing beside a wheel of cheese. McGonagall was staring at the cheese, grinning her fool head off, when Dumbledore ambled 'round the corridor.   
  
"I say, what's all this?"  
  
"You crazy old coot! You're cheating on me!" screamed McGonagall, lunging for Dumbledore's throat. She caught onto his beard and dragged him onto the floor, punching him in the stomach. "With HAGRID, no less!" The students gasped and some retched.  
  
"Minerva, calm down!" Dumbledore said, holding up a hand.  
  
"Oh, you giant loser! You can't just make everyone do what you say because you're twinkly and have AIDS! Shut up for once!" Dumbledore shut up, all right. He laid back and let McGonagall beat him, a tear coursing down his cheek from his twinkly eye.   
  
Severus Snape was watching all this with a bemused grin, but when he saw Dumbledore's tear, he felt he must act. He came out of the shadows. No one was surprised by this, he often did it just to be creepy. The only student looking terrified by his entrance was Neville Longbottom.   
  
"What's going on here?" Snape asked Longbottom, who stammered and began to cry. Snape turned away from him, to McGonagall, who was still beating Dumbledore about the head and shoulders. "Minerva, what's happened?" She leapt up from the floor and threw herself upon Professor Snape, who looked utterly horrified and pushed her away. She threw herself back on him, and he tried to pat her reassuringly, but forgot he had his wand in his hand, and beaned her upside the head with it. She slid to the floor, unconcious, and Dumbledore crawled to her side.  
  
"My beautiful Minerva, what's he done to you?" Dumbledore rose, anger twinkling in his eyes. "Explain yourself, Severus."  
  
"I accidently hit her with my wand. I'm not the one who made her go all kooky, though. Nope. Not me. It wasn't me who did anything evil to her. Nope. Not me."   
  
"All right, then, Severus. Well, my office has lemon drops. I'm leaving." He scooped up Professor McGonagall and walked away. Snape turned to the students. "Get to your dormitories! You've seen nothing!" they all scattered except for Ron and Harry, who stood beside the wheel of cheese that was their friend Hermione. 


	6. We All Knew Filch Was Kooky

"My secret love is a wheel of cheese!" cried Ron.  
  
"She looks yummy," harry said.  
  
"You dolt, that's our friend! and the brains behind the operation! we're totally fucked!"  
  
"900 points from Gryffindor for such language, Weasley," Snape said. he then pulled out his wand. *swoon* wait… his wand… oh his actual wand. *unswoon*  
  
"I sure hope I remember how to do this," Snape said, aiming his wand at Hermione Cheese-Wheel. Ron and Harry swallowed hard and didn't blink - the ultimate Harry Potter sign that this is Very Grave. Snape muttered something and a knife and plate appeared beside Hermione Cheese-Wheel. "Let's eat!" Snape announced.  
  
"While it has always been my dream to eat Hermione, I'm afraid I can't allow this, Severus."  
  
"What the hell? Since when do you speak intelligently, Ron?"  
  
"Since when do you address teachers by their first names? 900 points from Gryffindor."   
  
At that moment, Madam Hooch rounded the corner, looking stern and still wearing her freaky Quidditch goggles. Snape screamed like a girl and ran away, leaving Hermione uneaten. Madam Hooch picked up the cheese wheel and headed for the hospital wing, Harry and Ron on her tail.  
  
Snape stole quietly to McGonagall's rooms and took back the mirror. He placed it sneakily in Argus Filch's rooms. Behind something, because if Filch caught sight of himself in a mirror, he'd have killed himself on the spot. Snape then sat back and waited for the magic to unfold. He didn't have to wait long. A spill in the second floor corridor brought Filch out for the first time since Snape had palced the mirror. When Filch showed up with his mop, there were tears running down his cheeks. "Why, Argus, whatever's wrong?" Snape asked, sickenling sweet.   
  
"I'm hearing voices again, Professor. Mrs. Norris hears it too, she told me so. She said the voices are saying nice things to her, but it's being simply awful to me."  
  
"Okay, your cat talks to you?"  
  
"Of course. I love her. She's the daughter I never had."  
  
"Right… I think I can fix your problem, Argus. I'll go to your room immediately." Snape took the mirror away. The man had problems enough, he reasoned.  
  
Now where to put the mirror? Sorting Hat to the rescue! "GRYFFINDOR!" the hat shouted when Snape placed it upon the mirror. "Yes, but WHO in Gryffindor?"   
  
"GRYFFINDOR!!!"   
  
"You dolt."  
  
  
  
With no more options, Snape decided to leave the mirror in Dumbledore's office for safe-keeping. Dumbledore, while being exceptionally twinkly, was also quite intelligent and probably wouldn't fall victim to the mirror. 


	7. In Which I Do More Parody Than Mel Brook...

Disclaimer not my characters, blah, thanks to all powerful rowling and WB. also, i don't own any of the movies i used quotes from... it's not like i'm making money off this deal, don't be upset with me   
  
The next morning at breakfast, the entire school was curious as to why Dumbledore wasn't there. Snape had an icky feeling that he had overestimated Dumbledore's ability to figure out the mirror. He ate hurriedly and ran to Dumbledore's office, which was empty. Snape cursed and began to comb the Hogwarts grounds for Dumbledore. He found him sitting at the base of the Whomping Willow.  
  
"Headmaster, what are you doing? That thing will kill you!"   
  
"Yes, Severus, I suppose it may."  
  
"Don't tell me you're suicidal. I just can't handle that right now."  
  
"What would it matter to you?"  
  
"Oh, Merlin…" Snape cautiously walked over and sat beside Dumbledore. He wasn't going to let fear of a tree rob him of his moment to have a Serious Talk. "Headmaster, whatever the voices in your head are saying, we can deal with it. Together. I love you, man!"   
  
Peanut Gallery: Awwwww….   
  
Random Drunk: Hey, that was on a Budweiser commercial!  
  
"Severus, that's very sweet. Let's frolic together!" Slow, sweet romantic music began playing as Snape and Dumbledore joined hands and frolicked, the wind blowing their hair.   
  
Ron spied them from a window and grabbed Hermione's hand, pulling her outside where they, too, commenced frolicking. Soon the Hogwarts grounds were filled with frolicking students and staff (and their cats).   
  
An hour into the mass frolic, Hagrid looked out of his hut window and took in the spectacle of Snape jumping through a sprinkler. *shudder with pleasure… snape is wet…. Stop it brain!* He ran out of his house and mowed down Snape. As he picked the somewhat smooshed Snape off of the ground, he growled as menacingly as is possible for Hagrid (not very. The man's weapon is an UMBRELLA, okay? Not scary.)  
  
"Why did you do that, Hagrid?" Dumbledore demanded, finding himself suddenly without frolic partner.  
  
"There's kids watchin', Headmaster!"  
  
"Good point. Severus, don't get wet in front of the kids. They don't need an anatomy lesson from you."  
  
Random Girl (who is really *me* by the way): Oh yes we do! That's a fine specimen of manhood. Let us inspect!  
  
Everyone else: Gross. Get that crazy girl out of here!   
  
Hagrid went back into hit hut. Giant men don't frolic often. It's possibly dangerous for all else who share the same Earth.  
  
"Stop everything!" Snape shouted. Everyone stopped mid-frolic, resulting in many crashes and fallings over. "What is the *point* of all this?"  
  
"Oh, Merlin," Hermione said, leaving Ron's side and approaching Snape. "Are you questioning the meaning of your life?"  
  
"No, Miss Granger. The meaning of the frolic. Of this chapter, actually."  
  
"Severus, don't be so skeptical. This chapter could end up being very important."  
  
Foreshadowing sprinted across the field.  
  
****  
  
At that moment, Voldemort Apparated into the middle of the field.  
  
"YOU CAN'T APPARATE INTO HOGWARTS, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU DOLTS? JIMINY CRICKET!"  
  
"Oh. Sorry!" Voldemort Disapparated.  
  
"YOU CAN'T DISAPPARATE EITHER, FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY!"  
  
He appeared again. In a right snit, he demanded, "What am I supposed to do then?" Hermione shrugged and turned back to Snape.   
  
"You've angered the Dark Lord, Hermione! He'll kill you!" As Snape spoke, Voldemort raised his wand and aimed it at Hermione's back. He drew in breath and opened his mouth to speak. Snape grabbed Hermione and pushed her behind himself. "Avada Kedavra!" Voldemort shouted. Green light flashed all around. A slow-motion bolt of green headed towards Snape, who stared at it with the bravery of a man who knows that the fic writer loves him, and won't let him die. The bolt of doom ricocheted back towards Voldemort. "Shit, not again!" he said, just before the spell hit him. "I'm melting! I'm melting! Oh, what a world… what a world…." The students cheered as Voldemort sank to the ground, leaving a puddle of slime and a set of robes.   
  
"What happened? Why didn't it kill me?" Snape demanded. He turned and saw Hermione, tears in her eyes.  
  
"Oh, Severus! You risked your life to save me! How sweet! How noble! How… Dumbledore!"  
  
"But why didn't I die? I knew I wouldn't, but what explanation can there be?"  
  
Dumbledore strode forward, twinkling with knowledge. "Severus, I have an important question for you. Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"   
  
"Wait, what? I'm confused. When did I fly over the rainbow?"  
  
"Severus, we frolicked. You can't go back to being bitter and sarcastic. You must be full of sweetness and light, and help children, and adopt a puppy!"  
  
"Fuck that!" Snape strode back to the castle, his robes billowing behind him, his hair still slightly damp from the sprinkler. He stormed up to Dumbledore's office and extracted the mirror. "Mirror, mirror-"  
  
"Not Sleeping Beauty, too, okay Severus? I can't take it!" Mirror sighed. Snape nodded.   
  
"Just tell me what to do now," Snape said, complete with a sigh and slightly lowered head - we're now in Oh Holy Shit Crisis Mode. (Harry Potter style.)  
  
"Turn the lights off and it will all fall into place." Snape waved his wand at the lights, which went off. "It would have been cooler if I had a Clapper."   
  
"Yes," Mirror agreed.  
  
Snape stood in the dark for several moments, waiting for the answer to come to him. It did not. He waited. Still no answer.  
  
"Mirror… what am I waiting for?" Snape's only response was silence. He flicked his wand and turned the lights back on, and found himself alone. The mirror was no longer there. "Now what do I do?" A creepy reverberating voice whispered, "Use the force!"   
  
Snape slammed his fist down on the table in front of him. "NO MORE INSANE MOVIE TIE-INS!" he shouted. "I have to do what I have to do." Snape went back to his rooms to prepare his final speech as a Professor at Hog warts - well, his first speech, too. Stay tuned. This is gonna be big. 


	8. A Somber Speech

Disclaimer characters not mine. Rowling. WB. Also, the speech is in part G.W.Bush's and in part Bill Clinton's. And Marilyn Manson, I love you! Respect.  
  
Professor Dumbledore, distinguished faculty, and my students, the peaceful retirement of professors is rampant in history, yet uncommon in our school. Even through simple death, we affirm old traditions and teach new classes.   
  
As I begin, I thank Headmaster Albus Dumbledore for his service to this school.   
  
And I thank Deputy Headmistress McGonagall for a reign conducted with spirit and, with the exception of a slight incident involving cheese and a student, dignity.   
  
I am honored and humbled to stand here, where so many of Hogwarts' teachers have come before me, and so many will follow. Poor suckers.  
  
We have a place, all of us, in a long story--a story we continue, but whose end we will not see. It is the story of a new world that became a friend and liberator of the old, a story of a Muggle-hating society that became a peace-loving community, the story of a power of good that has gone on to defend, but not to conquer.   
  
It is the Wizarding story--a story of flawed and fallible people, united across the generations by grand and enduring ideals.   
  
- What the HELL am I talking about? I'm acting like George W. Bush for the sake of Merlin!   
  
First I must make this ultimately clear: I did not, I repeat did NOT, have sexual relations with that student… Draco Malfoy.  
  
I DIDN'T! STOP LAUGHING DAMN YOU!  
  
"But, Professor - don't you love me?" *tears*  
  
Shut up, Draco. Pay no attention to that insignificant person.  
  
"But, Professor! I have the dress with your semen on it!"  
  
That's just plain gross, kid.   
  
"Want to see my thong, Professor?"   
  
No.   
  
Getting back to my speech. My tenure at Hogwarts has been quite enjoyable. Torturing students is fun, and on occasion I find the company of the Headmaster pleasant. I have also made you all into a damn fine bunch of Potions-brewers… well, most of you *casts direct glare at Harry, Ron, and Neville*   
  
I am one damn fine professor, aren't I?  
  
"Yes, yes you are you sexy piece of man meat!"   
  
Shut up, Draco.  
  
Alas, the time has come to acknowledge that nobody at Howarts deserves to have such a great professor. I am abused constantly. I'm made fun of in stories by Muggles I don't even know. I have a student in love with me - and not even the right student. The relationship between me and the Headmaster has long been deteriorating, due to his AIDS and my talking mirror.   
  
In short, I have decided that the perfect career for me is to be… a Muggle rock star!  
  
I have the perfect hair for it! And the dark, brooding thing is always big with Muggle rock fans… I will rule! Circus magazine will have pinups of me! And I don't even have to change my wardrobe. Thus, I announce that you all are invited to my first concert. Wear your robes. It will help my reputation if people think my fans are into witchcraft and Devil worship. Trust me, I've seen it happen. It's either that, or I have to get breast implants.  
  
Marilyn Manson: Hey, I copyrighted that idea at the Patents for Weird Shit Office… don't even think about it.  
  
All right, then. See you all for my concert tomorrow… Same bat time, same bat channel! 


	9. Severus the RockGod

Disclaimer: I am a humble servant of J.K. Rowling, taking her characters to ridiculous levels.   
  
A/N: this chapter has a slight serious note to it, because snape does have issues, after all  
  
The Hall was packed with students, all of them anxiously awaiting the arrival of their new rock-god professor. "I bet he's going to look SO Sexy," Draco gushed to anyone who would listen. Harry and Ron looked ill. Hermione was spouting, "I am really so proud of Severus. I read all about Muggle rock stars. He's making a huge step towards self confidence. I really am so proud..."   
  
A silence fell upon the Hall as Madam Hooch took the stage, yet again wearing her Freaky Quidditch Goggles(TM). They looked as if they belonged in the setting, however. "Thank you all for coming here tonight! And now, it is my extreme pleasure to announce the newest god of heavy metal! Severus... SNAPE!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Snape floated up from the floor. No one should have been surprised, he did this often. But tonight it looked... as draco exclaimed "sexier than usual!"  
  
He strode to the wand taped to a stick... er, "microphone". with his hair falling across his face and his cloak billowing behind him, he began singing in a low, creepy (think Nick Cave or Corey Taylor) voice...  
  
"I've seen the dark side  
  
served the lord of death  
  
I've seen the good side  
  
served the king of all  
  
admonished, denied  
  
hidden my real self inside  
  
taken my life out of my head  
  
and put it somewhere else  
  
somewhere I thought you'd never find  
  
*screaming almost unintelligibly* OH YEAH MY PENSIEVE!  
  
Sometimes we only live for the here and now.  
  
Sometimes we're lonely.  
  
Sometimes we feel we need a place to be grounded...  
  
or fly away again.  
  
I will fly away again.  
  
*OH YEAH I'M LIKE A BAT, YEAH, BAT, YEAH WA-A-A-A-A!*  
  
I'm so damned  
  
I can't win   
  
With my heart in my hands again  
  
*RED AND SQUISHY, YEAH, HEART IN MY HANDS MOTHERFUCKER!*  
  
I don't understand why you don't like me  
  
Why don't you like me?  
  
Am I so different from you  
  
Now does it scare you that I'm able to discern   
  
What to love and what to burn  
  
I'll add your fuel to the fire now  
  
Stand back, brother take your hand back  
  
Leave it and I might crack  
  
More than a smile or two you see  
  
Don't judge what you don't understand  
  
You can't deny what has been given to me  
  
*DEAD SEXY, DEAD SEXY, DEAD SEXY….  
  
DEAD SEXY, DEAD SEXY, DEAD SEXY….*  
  
Thank you Hogwarts! Good night!"  
  
The Great Hall erupted in applause and cries of "SNAPE, SNAPE. SNAPE!" A mosh pit had begun to form when darkness suddenly descended upon the Great Hall.  
  
A/N: credit where credit is due:  
  
verse 2 - godsmack's "spiral" from the album "awake"   
  
verse 4 - …and you will know us by the trail of dead's "heart in the hand of the matter" album "source tags and codes"   
  
verse 6 - disturbed's "fear" from album "the sickness" 


	10. All Good Things

Disclaimer: I am a humble servant of J.K. Rowling, taking her characters to ridiculous levels.   
  
"Wait, Professor!"   
  
"Yes, Miss Granger?"   
  
"You never told me about the ex-girlfriend who left all her pink fuzzy stuff."   
  
"The story is over, Miss Granger."   
  
"But, sir, there's this huge gaping plot hole."   
  
"This is a Harry Potter story. There are always gaping plot holes."   
  
"But, sir,"   
  
"The story is over."   
  
"Don't you want to tell me about it? I mean, keeping all these things inside is just not healthy."   
  
"That's it! I'm expelling you from Hogwarts if you pull another one of these psychiatrist trips on me again!"   
  
"I'm just saying, it would be interesting if you filled the audience in,"   
  
"MISS GRANGER! THIS STORY IS OVER! OVER OVER OVER OVER!"   
  
"Guys, I think the story is over."   
  
"Oh, shit, what is Potter doing here?"   
  
"Stating the obvious, as usual. Ignore him."   
  
"Would any of you care for a lemon drop?"   
  
"Merlin's beard, where do these people keep coming from?"   
  
"I just wanted to offer you all a lemon drop, blimey. You are rude."   
  
"Look, everyone, I am tired and desire to go to bed. This story is OVER."   
  
"Professor, I think you are running away from the truth."   
  
"All right, Miss Granger. Three thousand points from Gryffindor and you are to leave this school at once!"   
  
"No, Hermione don't go!"   
  
"Who is THAT?"   
  
"It's Ron, Ron Weasley... I've come to beg you to let Hermione stay."   
  
"Hey, Ron, I'm here, too!"   
  
"Fascinating though that is, Potter, this story is over." "No, Professor, we're not done!"   
  
"Hermione, I love you."   
  
"It's dark in here."   
  
"I am twinkly and like lemon drops."   
  
"Albus, come to bed."   
  
"Screw the lemon drops! I'm out!"   
  
"I'm going to be sick."   
  
"Shut up and kiss me, Ron!"   
  
"Now I'm really going to be sick."   
  
"Has anyone seen Trevor?"   
  
"NO! NO MORE CHARACTERS! THIS STORY IS OVER!"   
  
"Calm down, Professor."   
  
"IF ALL OF YOU DO NOT LEAVE RIGHT NOW, I WILL SUMMON THE DARK LORD VOLDEMORT AND HE WILL TORTURE YOU UNTIL THE LAST MOLECULE OF LIFE HAS LEFT YOUR SORRY BODIES!"   
  
"Professor Snape, that's not nice."   
  
"I didn't say that."   
  
"Who did?"   
  
"I think it was the same person who is touching my ass."   
  
"I just love you so much, Professor!"   
  
"Oh, it's Malfoy. Ignore him."   
  
"Professor, I just want your approval. Please, love me!"   
  
"I will say this one more time. THE STORY IS OVER!" silence   
  
"Thank Merlin."   
  
"Just kidding, Snape, we're still here!"   
  
"What is that noise?"   
  
"I think Snape is fuming."   
  
"Is that all? Nothing unusual there."   
  
"Ronald Weasley! Do not insult your teachers!"   
  
"Mum..."   
  
"Your father's here, too. We're taking you home. This place has gone mad."   
  
"Has it really?"   
  
"Yes, Arthur. As we speak, Dumbledore and McGonagall are.."   
  
"Okay, I'm still here. Just don't finish that sentence, please."   
  
"Is that Professor Snape, really?"   
  
"Yes, Mr. Weasley, it is me. Insisting once again, for the benefit of all feeble-minded Gryffindors and one particularly irritating Slytherin, that this is the end of our story."   
  
"Are you saying I'm irritating, Professor? Won't you ever love me?" *sobbing*   
  
"I'm going to go find some trouble - er, I mean, do my homework."   
  
"I'm off to continue snogging Ron."   
  
"That's disgusting."   
  
"I'm going to go lay in your bed and sniff your underthings."   
  
"That's even more disgusting."   
  
silence   
  
"Is everyone gone? Because I'm prepared to do an Unforgivable and suffer the consequences if you're not." silence   
  
"Thank Merlin."   
  
cry from the distance   
  
"Does anybody have a prophylactic?"   
  
"I'm going to drown myself." 


End file.
